Santa Monica: The Pilot
by AllMyShadows
Summary: The year is 1983, and Chrissy comes back from Fresno, ready to blame Janet for her mother's death; Felipe plans to set the Regal Beagle on fire!; Mr. Furley and Mrs. Angelino are playing between the sheets!; Terri wants Jack, but Jack wants Janet; Larry h


Santa Monica  
  
Pilot Movie  
  
1983  
  
Cast:  
  
John Ritter as Jack Tripper  
  
Joyce DeWitt as Janet Wood  
  
Suzanne Somers as Chrissy Snow  
  
Priscilla Barnes as Terri Alden  
  
Richard Kline as Larry Dallas  
  
Don Knotts as Ralph Furley  
  
Jordan Charney as Frank Angelino  
  
Gino Comforti as Felipe Gomez  
  
Brad Blaisdell as Mike the Bartender  
  
Kay Freeman as Mildred Angelino  
  
Scene: Apartment 201:  
  
[Everyone is asleep....in their OWN beds/The doorbell is rung and Janet comes in wearing one of her oversized sports shirts]  
  
[She opens the door]  
  
Janet: Chrissy?!  
  
Chrissy: Janet.  
  
Janet: Chrissy! Oh my God! How are you?  
  
Chrissy: Janet.....Janet....I have something to tell you.....something that's a little advanced for my mind.  
  
Janet: Do you know what advanced means?  
  
Chrissy: No......but that's not the matter.......when my mother came for a visit on March 22, 1977 did you have the measles?  
  
Janet: No........what's wrong Chrissy?  
  
Chrissy: Did you have the chicken pox?  
  
Janet: No......I was perfectly healthy.......why do you want to know?  
  
Chrissy: Because you are the reason why my mother died.  
  
Janet: When did she die?  
  
Chrissy: Oh Janet you should know!  
  
Janet: How would I know?!!!  
  
Chrissy: You probably murdered her!  
  
Janet: Murdered her?  
  
Chrissy: Yeah! You know you didn't like it when she came to stay with us that day!  
  
Janet: Chrissy I can't even remember that day!  
  
Chrissy: Whatever! You floosie!  
  
Janet: How dare you!!!!  
  
Chrissy: How dare you kill my brother....I mean mother!!!!  
  
Janet: You can't even tell the difference between a brother and a brother....I mean mother!!!! Come to think ofit....they do sound a like...  
  
Chrissy: Yeah.......but you stilll killed my mother!  
  
Janet: No I didn't!  
  
[Jack and Terri stumble in]  
  
Jack: Chrissy? Is that you?  
  
Chrissy: Oh Jack! How are you?!  
  
Jack: Chrissy! How are you?!  
  
Chrissy [whining]: I asked you first!  
  
Jack: What are you doing in Santa Monica? I thought you were in Fresno!  
  
Chrissy: I was! But Janet here killed my mamma!  
  
Jack: Janet! When did you kill her!  
  
Janet: About three we- Hey! I did not kill her mother!  
  
Terri: Can someone tell me who is this blonde woman?  
  
Jack: This is Chrissy Snow. Chrissy this is Terri Alderen.....err....  
  
Terri: Alden. I'm Jack and Janet's roommate.  
  
Chrissy: I was there first roommate.  
  
Jack: So Chrissy where are you staying?  
  
Chrissy: Well....here of course!  
  
Jack: But where?  
  
Chrissy: How about me staying in Terri's room and Janet moving out?  
  
Janet: I will not! And I am NOT a floosie! You......you tramp!  
  
Chrissy: Why I oughta-  
  
Terri: Girls! How about this. Jack and I can share his room and Janet can sleep in her room and Chrissy can sleep with Larry in his apartment!  
  
Janet: But Jack only has one bed.  
  
Terri [blowing in Jack's ear]: I'm sure we can manage.  
  
Janet: OK. I agree!  
  
Chrissy: Me two-  
  
Janet: -pid.  
  
Chrissy: What?  
  
Janet: Nothing!  
  
Scene: Larry's Apartment:  
  
[Larry opens the door to see Chrissy]  
  
Larry: Chrissy!  
  
Chrissy: Larry!!!  
  
Larry: How ya doing, angel?!  
  
Chrissy: I'm fine. But I need a place to stay.  
  
Larry: Well you can stay here. Me and you can can get busy.  
  
Chrissy: Larry! That is not what I came to do. [walking in and putting her things on the sofa] Now as soon as you move onto this couch, I can get in your bed.  
  
Larry: My bed? Oooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!! [falls to the floor]  
  
Chrissy: Larry! What wrong?! You stay here Larry! I'll go get help!  
  
[Runs out/Runs back in with Jack and Janet and Terri]  
  
Jack: What wrong with him?!  
  
Janet: Yeah!  
  
Chrissy [panicking]: I don't know, man!!! Maybe Janet poisoned him!  
  
Janet: I did not!  
  
[Larry wakes up]  
  
Larry: Once it was a Greyhound......then one of the old time transit buses......then a double-decker.....  
  
Terri: What are you saying, Larry?  
  
[Larry snaps out of it]  
  
Larry: What are you guys doing here? I thought Chrissy was staying here.  
  
Jack: Well I think we all should go downstairs and have a little....sleepover party so we can keep an eye on you.  
  
Larry: Whatever floats your boat. But don't let me be a burden to you.  
  
Janet [through gritted teeth]:Too late.........  
  
Chrissy: Why don't we all get dressed and go to the Regal Beagle!  
  
Terri: Good idea! Maybe Jack and I can share a booth......one that's deep in the back corner. Where we can be by ourselves......  
  
Jack [looking at Terri frightfully]: Wow......OK......we can do that.  
  
Scene: The Regal Beagle:  
  
[Jack, Janet, Chrissy, Terri, and Larry enter]  
  
Chrissy: Ahhh! This place hasn't changed a bit!  
  
Mike: Chrissy!!!!! Is that you?!  
  
Chrissy: And Mike's still fat! Nothing's changed at all!!!!!!!  
  
[Felipe enters]  
  
Felipe: Mike! Friend! I hope you don't mind if I smoke this cigarette in here. But I can't find a lighter. [digs in his pocket] Ahh!!!! A whooooooole book of matches! I better not rub a lot of those against the back of the book. I might burn down the Beagle........burn down the Beagle........burn down the Beagle...........burn down the Beagle........MUUUUWAHHHHAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAA [leaves]  
  
Jack: Wonder what his problem is.  
  
Chrissy: Inflation!?  
  
Terri: Come on Jack....let's go to our booth in the deepest end of the Beagle. Where the dark shadows cast a spell on all the children. Where the edge of night is always near.  
  
Jack: Ummmmmm.........Okaaaaaay.  
  
[Jack and Terri are sitting in their booth]  
  
Terri: Jack......do you mind if I take your hand.....Jack......I wanna dance with you.........dance the night away.......your heart is where my love shall stay..........  
  
Jack: Stop it Terri! Oooooh stop it! [laughs playfully]  
  
Terri: Nice sandy brown hair and very loving care.....these are a few of my favorite things........when you kiiiiiss me.....when you toooouch me.....when you looooove me.....I simply think of my favorite things.......  
  
Jack: Wow Terri. [runs fingers through Terri's hair]  
  
Terri: Oh...do that to me one more time....you know I never get tired of a man like you...oooohh......  
  
Jack: Ummmm.......That's the day my mamma socked it to, the Harper Valley, P.T.A.!  
  
Terri: Oooh Jack....when you sing it lights up my life.....it gives me hope......  
  
[Just as Terri is fixing to kiss Jack, he sinks his teeth into a Beagle Burger]  
  
Terri: Jack....don't you love me?  
  
Jack: As a friend. I told you who I love. Me and Janet....secret looooovers......that's what we are......secret looooooovers......  
  
Terri: You don't love me?  
  
Jack: I'm sorry Terri.....I really am......  
  
Terri: No I'm sorry Jack......I might do something really desperate.......something that will change the days of our lives as we know them......  
  
[Mike runs in]  
  
Mike: The kitchen!!!! Someone set the oven on fire!!!!!!!  
  
Scene: The Angelino Home (Ext):  
  
[Ralph rings the doorbell/Someone answers it]  
  
Ralph: Frank?!  
  
Frank: Ralph Furley? Can I help you?  
  
Ralph: I'm.......trying a new career. I'm the first Avon Boy! Can I speak to your wife, please?  
  
Frank: Sure! [looks into the house] Mildred! The Avon Boy wants to see you!  
  
[Frank leaves and Mrs. Angelino enters]  
  
Mildred [passionatley]: Ralph! I'm glad you came! My life needs some action. Frank is going to a ball game in Anahiem so he's gonna be gone for the weekend. I'll have the whole house to my self.  
  
Ralph: What about Francesca?  
  
Mildred: She's going on a date with a man twice her age. She's 24.....I don't know how old he is.......  
  
[Frank comes back]  
  
Ralph: Well! Your perfume will be delivered in a matter of weeks ma'am!  
  
[Ralph starts to leave]  
  
Frank: Furley.  
  
Ralph: Yes.  
  
Frank: Can I ask you something that has to do with the relationship of you and my wife?  
  
Ralph (gulps): Sure...what do you need to know.....I have nothing to hide.  
  
Frank: How much does a bottle of after shave costs?  
  
Ralph: I'll have to check the sales booklet at the headquarters. I'll let you know.  
  
Scene: The Morning in Apartment 201:  
  
[Jack is in the kitchen making breakfast/Janet, Terri, and Larry are sitting at the table]  
  
Larry: Oooooooh.......[collapses]  
  
Jack: He's doing that again?!  
  
Janet: We've gotten used to it. In about 1 minute he will wake, talk about buses, then he'll be normal again.  
  
Larry: Mommy! Mommy! The bus is coming! I have to catch to go to kindergarten...............ooowwwwww Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy...................So what ya cookin' for breakfast Jack-O?  
  
Jack: Pancakes and bacon and eggs.  
  
Terri: Jack, Janet, Larry........I have an announcement to announce.....mainly because that's what you do to announcements.....anyways......I had an overdose.....and I should be gone anyday now.......  
  
[Jack drops spatula]  
  
Jack: What did you take?  
  
Terri: Homemade.......Grandma's Old Fashion......Bolgers........City Brand......  
  
Jack: Grandma's Old Fashion Marajuana?  
  
Terri: No.....coffee.......I really had my choices....I coulda had coffee......I coulda had tea.........I coulda had Jack......but I chose coffee since you already love another.  
  
Janet: Who's that another?  
  
Terri: A very special person Jack loves........  
  
Jack: How could you die from coffee?  
  
Terri: I said nothing about dying. I meant that I'll go loupy........I go crazy when I have a lot of coffee......CRAZY! I TELL YOU!!!!!!!! CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Terri starts to search the kitchen for coffee]  
  
Jack: Call the mental police!!!!  
  
[Chrissy comes in]  
  
Chrissy: I told you Janet's a crazyhead!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jack: No it's Terri!  
  
Chrissy: Janet made her that way!  
  
Janet: No! No! No! No! No! I'm not a crazyhead!  
  
Chrissy: CRAZYFOREFIDDLE CRAZYFOREFIDDLE CRAZYFOREFIDDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Scene: The Angelino Bedroom:  
  
[Mildred and Ralph are laying in the bed with the spreads up to their necks]  
  
Ralph: Where'd you learn that?  
  
Mildred: I picked it up from a movie I saw. It was called "Knots Landing Uncensored."  
  
Ralph: I saw "Dallas Uncensored."  
  
[A door slamming is heard downstairs]  
  
Mildred: Frank?!!!!!!!!  
  
Frank (from downstairs): It's me, Mildred!  
  
Mildred: Quick get in the closet!!  
  
Frank: Who are you talking to?  
  
Mildred: Ummm....there's a horror movie on television, dear. Get in the closet, damnit!  
  
Frank: Millie, is just a movie!  
  
Mildred: But she's acting very stupid! PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Frank: Mildred.......you are turning me on...........  
  
Mildred: PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES RALPH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Frank: Ralph?  
  
[Frank runs upstairs]  
  
Frank: Who's Ralph?  
  
Mildred: Someone on the movie, honey!  
  
[Shows Mr. Furley in the Angelinos' garage with nothing on but underwear]  
  
THE END 


End file.
